The Freedom of Roleplay

Read time: 10 minutes.

Roleplay was actually a hard limit for me at one point. It felt theatrical and inauthentic at the time. The toxic idea of being a ‘real’ Domme was still animating my sessions and I thought of roleplay as the poor man’s version of the real thing. I’ve since realized that pretty much all of BDSM is roleplay, so… YAY for learning!

In this post, I’m going to describe the roles that I’ve developed over the years and the themes that run through each. These are the characters that I enjoy most and offer to people in sessions. After that I’ll talk about the function of roleplay in mental health, what I offer and give some advice on how to accomplish your kinky, little dreams via roleplay. Now onto the pervy stuff!

The Therapist

This is the newest addition to my kinky, roleplay roster. Bastienne, the therapist, is calming and gentle. Her voice is soothing and her office is a dark, tranquil respite from real life. In this space, you always feel comfortable and secrets seem to spill out so naturally. 

Although you are free to talk about all aspects of your life, Bastienne seems to take particular interest in your sexual proclivities. Within the safety of analysis, you don’t mind sharing these thoughts and desires. The professional atmosphere comforts you and gives you some objectivity about your feelings. In this refuge, you reveal more and more to Bastienne and she always seems to have therapeutic treatment ideas for you. Her practice is immersive, tactile and very hands-on. 

The Teacher

It is certainly unorthodox for you to be visiting the home of your teacher but, with Miss B, it feels so natural. Your grades have been suffering and, in response, I’ve made you an amazing offer - I will tutor you for free, upon one condition: You cannot tell anyone about our secret lessons. There’s so much to learn and Miss B knows all the tricks, you just need to keep an open mind and trust in my teaching methods. Rest assured, Miss B will guide you through every step of the way and you’ll be better off for it.

The Nurse

Is there anything scarier than in an incompetent nurse? If nurse Bastienne wasn’t so cute, it might just be unbearable. I always make sure to balance sensations in the body to the best of my ability, especially when we’re all out of anaesthetic and the treatment becomes painful. The sterility of medical treatment makes almost anything seem reasonable as long as it’s explained clearly from your sweet, seemingly well-intentioned, nurse.

The Mommy

Mommy Bastienne is by far my favourite of all the roles I have created. Mommy Bastienne is manipulative and invasive. She has a way of not only gaining control, but convincing you that it was all your idea. She is possessive and entirely inappropriate. Taking on this role is so natural to me, I have converted many people into this form of play who were never open to it before meeting me. It is equal parts sick and sweet. You might absolutely love it.

Themes of Power in Roleplay

Over time, as I’ve tried out different characters, I’ve found a solid theme among the roleplay characters that I love: They are all perverse caretakers. Each role is highly feminine and often uses sexuality and manipulation to evade blame or responsibility for their actions. These characters foster trust and co-dependence to isolate and influence their target. 

Unlike the usual archetype of a Dominatrix who asserts power in an aggressive way, I’ve found my roleplay characters tend to be passive aggressive and psychologically subversive. Underneath the veneer of sweetness and comfort lies a malignancy. This is a pretend place where I can shed the complexity of care and sink into something that is simply selfish. I can set aside humility and decency and slip into narcissism and possession. I can safely explore the predatory parts of myself that are totally inappropriate anywhere else. 

I am the creator of these imaginary worlds and therefore, I will always have the advantage in these places. I relish in that safety and navigate adeptly, as if it were my own, personal haunted house and I’m playing all of the ghosts. These characters clearly give me some sense of respite from the normal world and it’s something that’s taken me a few years to accept about myself. When I roleplay as these characters, I enter a place that is void of true goodness and morality and it is my shameful reprieve. 

I tell you all this because, this is what we all do in some form or another. This is the darkness that we all seek to examine about ourselves. Mine is in the form of hubris and abuse of power while yours may manifest as degradation or dehumanization in some form. Themes of power will (almost) always surface, the form it takes is always unique to the player and generally expresses the inverse of who they are in their day-to-day lives.

The Function of Roleplay in Mental Health

It is important to know that all BDSM is roleplay. 

Every submissive person will, inevitably, come to me with the same confession, “Bastienne, this might surprise you but, I am actually dominant in real life!” At this point, I can’t even feign polite surprise anymore. Of course you’re dominant in real life! That’s why you’re craving submission, it’s BDSM stereotypes 101. Obviously, that’s not the case for everyone but, it’s definitely the majority. 

The thing is, we often struggle to accept that our personalities are discordant. We house many traits and we naturally build an identity around the most pervasive and acceptable ones. We can describe ourselves as many things: Kind, hard working, reserved, pragmatic, smart, scatterbrained, ambitious, shy, creative, outspoken - the list goes on and on. 

The problem is, there will always be errant traits that don’t fit into the storyline of who we are. There will always be a dissonance between opposing traits that exist despite each other. These parts of us don’t have anywhere to live, yet they persist. No matter how long we ignore them or talk ourselves out of their existence, there they are, popping their awkward, little heads up to say hello. Oh hey, it’s this fucking personality trait again, reminding me of what a weirdo I am!

It’s never shocking to me when people find themselves acting completely out of character within roleplay. It’s basically woven into the description, particularly within the very popular realms of BDSM and kink. It’s like rummaging through the mental junk bin and making good use of something that was previously discarded. The particular form it takes is entirely dependent on the person. Taboo is in the genitals of the beholder, I suppose.

For some folks the feeling of weakness is highly avoided in their day to day lives. For others, it may the feeling of submission, the shirking of responsibility or the feeling of surrender. For me, I’ve avoided hurting others, to an almost pathological level, my entire adult life. What has that left me with? A solid sadistic streak that manifests in my sexuality. When it comes to the spectrum of feelings that make up a person, picking and choosing isn’t always an option and sometimes it’s simply a case of - you can run but you cannot hide.

Creative roleplay within BDSM is the perfect outlet for these outcast aspects of ourselves. You get to create a character for yourself that is safely separate from your regular identity but it’s immersive and accessible when you want it. Like LARPing, community theatre or playing a video game. It’s adult escapism and it can be whatever you want it to be.

I think the most valuable aspect of roleplay is its ability to give us access to parts of ourselves that we subconsciously reject. We can safely act in ways that are vulnerable and inaccessible in our daily lives. If we push through the initial awkwardness, we might find ourselves fully indulging and unloading into this outlet. 

Sometimes our initial fears of rejection are actually met with full acceptance from our roleplay partner. This part of you that you’ve been hiding might be exactly what someone else has been craving. For me, that experience is one of the ultimate forms of human connection. I think, if done safely, with a caring, respectful partner, it can be incredibly cathartic and great for your mental health.

The Basics & How To Start

Roleplay is inherently awkward. This is the first thing that I tell the newbies that I subsume into my roleplay worlds. The desire for perfection is the first thing to go. Things like ‘making sense’ and seeming ‘cool’ are a close second. All these desires must take a back seat to the task at hand: The juvenile and frivolous pursuit of creating imaginary worlds with each other. 

Suspension of disbelief is the name of the game.

Not only do you have to get over how innately dorky it is, you also have to do it, with some level of confidence, in front of another, grown adult. A great phrase to keep in mind while roleplaying is “Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good.” 

A sense of humour and the ability to adapt will come in handy. You’re going to say weird stuff, you’re going to stumble over words, you’re going to find yourself speechless when it’s your turn to talk and guess what? It doesn’t fucking matter. It's all fun and games! Once you let yourself off the hook, you can start to immerse.

A great thing to keep in mind is that we are not our sexual desires. The things we crave sexually are usually experiences we don’t get in our day-to-day lives. Do you crave the feeling of being less than? Of being used? Degraded? Objectified? These are generally the desires of highly effective people who are subconsciously seeking reprieve from their social responsibilities. It’s perfectly normal and incredibly common. Most people feel quite confused about this dichotomy, initially at least. 

Maybe you can start by compartmentalizing this side of you. Choose a name for this part of yourself and imagine what this character would want, what they would wear and how they would behave. I think that’s a great place to start. That’s how I created my Domme persona, Bastienne and all her many roleplay sub-characters.

The mental compartmentalization trick can actually be quite healthy, if done properly. It’s like any social behaviour, what is considered appropriate is completely dependent on the context. There is a set of behaviours that are appropriate on transit, at a wedding, at the grocery store, at home and at work. It’s good to have an understanding of what is appropriate and when. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to have different ways of behaving depending on the situation.

In this same vein, the transition from reality to fantasy is a really important part of BDSM, particularly for new people. When you’re first trying out your submissive character, it’s often really helpful to have an experienced leader (your Domme) and a discernible and clear entry and exit point into play time. 

For example, some people take on an entirely different persona with me from the moment they walk in the door. Those people are generally more experienced and understand that this is a creative space where you can be whoever you want to be. Perception is reality and all that. Generally though, I’d say, most people benefit from a discernible contrast between reality and fantasy. We get to know each other as our ‘real world selves’ then we have a clear start time when we begin roleplay and later, when we end it.

Having distinct roles is really helpful while establishing trust. Witnessing the entrance into roleplay is psychologically comforting for most people. That’s where BDSM roleplay becomes really effective. I said at the beginning of this post that all BDSM is roleplay so technically, BDSM roleplay (like Mommy roleplay, for example) is essentially - roleplay within roleplay. What this means to me is that in my sessions, I offer people the ability to blend and blur entrance into roleplay as their trust level increases with me. 

For example, a subby comes in for their first session and we end up chatting and getting to know each other for the whole play time as our ‘real selves.’ This is not entirely uncommon, depending on the needs of the person. By the 3rd or 4th visit, they no longer need to chat at all and we can comfortably launch into D/s play as soon as they arrive. Once people realize that they are safe and fully in control, they are usually able to submerge into roleplay for longer periods of time, hopefully going deeper and deeper.

Basically, roleplay is a creative space where you can improvise and try on different personality traits in safety. It’s all about the cycle of action and reaction with your roleplay partner. If you mess something up, not to worry, another cycle of action and reaction is always moments away, just keep trucking. Also, keep in mind that all play within BDSM is simply an attempt to facilitate a feeling. The actions you take along the way are interchangeable, the feeling always takes precedence. 

What I Offer

I provide a safe, neutral space. Societal expectations become negotiable here, they are laid out in front of us to sort through at will. Keep what you like and push the rest aside. 

If you’re seeing me, we already have a basic compatibility: You want to feel submissive and I want to feel dominant. I have faith in that compatibility and know that dynamics and feelings are not accomplished by force. The most effective way to achieve a feeling is to simply stay present, go slow and work together. We’ll get there, there’s no rush.

The truth is, I resent conformity on all levels. I truly despise the loneliness that it creates in all of us. The fact that we are all judged on our appearance, our income and our achievements with, often, no regard for the person we actually are. Our kindness, our creativity, our insecurities, our experiences and desires are often left to the side, deemed inappropriate for most situations.

BDSM roleplay provides a safe, accepting, neutral space for people to express themselves authentically within. I love being the keeper of this space. I pride myself on being a person who doesn’t reduce others based on superficial qualifications. Instead I try to provide a canvas to showcase the depth of their humanity, their vulnerability and desire for experience and connection. 

This is my safe space too. My body, my behaviour and my words are no longer a repressive part of fitting in and being an adult. They are my tools, I use them adeptly to create feelings in myself and in others and it is one of the most empowering skills I’ve ever learned.

As odd as this sounds, I always try to be a force of good. I want to be a place of sanctuary for others and I’ve sacrificed my own social acceptance in the real world to be here. The roleplay reaches into something very tangible for me. In doing this work, I have chosen to live in solitude in my social grey area and I am happy to do so. 

Truthfully, outside of work, my basic existence often elicits discomfort in others. Just knowing me often requires a disclaimer and rejection is a price I’ve consented to pay for the reward of being myself. When I ask subbies to play with the idea of their social value and toss aside social expectations, I am probably the most qualified leader.

I don’t want generic acceptance, I want the real deal. I want to be seen for who I am and I want to offer the same in return. This is my expression of love to others. To me, this is the essence of leadership and power. The ability to stand alone, to sacrifice for what I believe in and who I am, to step outside of the system and not only create my own but welcome others into it with open arms.

In my system, vulnerability is power and the outside world exists only to inspire connection. We take what we need and we leave the rest at the door. Roleplay in BDSM has led me to actual freedom, let’s see where it will lead you :)