Read time: 6 minutes.

Being a person is tough. You know what isn’t tough? Being a cum dumpster! WHOOP WHOOP! YAY! *cue confetti and party horns!*

Seriously though, dehumanization and objectification are low-key, very popular kinks. They are themes found in the most common, sexual fantasies so why are these terms experienced as negative, confusing and shameful? Let me share what I know about these (potentially) very liberating kinks.

In simple terms, sexual objectification is a desire to be valued solely for sexual purposes and sexual dehumanization is the feeling of sexual gratification achieved by being diminished as a person. Sometimes they stand alone and sometimes they weave together.

Let’s start with the more common and, perhaps, more relatable of the two kinks - Objectification. 

Imagine an attractive person (insert whatever genital configuration and physical characteristics you like here). They are looking you up and down from across a crowded bar. They confidently sidle up to you and introduce themselves. They don’t ask your name or anything about you, they simply tell you that you’re absolutely gorgeous and they would love nothing more than to take you home and do anything and everything to your incredible body. 

Now, like all fantasies, the one outlined above may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but, I think there’s a lot of people who would at least be aroused by the thought of this experience, if they were able to in a safe way.

This is classic sexual objectification and, like many kinks, it’s hiding in plain sight in vanilla-world. The desire to be viewed and used solely as a sexual object is an incredibly common inclination. The person at the bar has no way of knowing anything about you except how you look - and you like it. The rest of the world melts away and you are viewed as simply a source of pleasure, it might be a refreshing slice of escapism. They are offering you unadulterated sexual desire for your appearance and body alone and you are reciprocating. Nothing more, nothing less.

Another example: Posting a hot selfie on social media and getting positive, sexual feedback from strangers and enjoying that attention. Similar to the above example, these people may have no way of knowing anything about your personhood. They are attracted solely to your physicality. For some, this is unwanted attention and for others… It's a massive turn on.

Here’s a few more examples: Black men who are objectified for being dominant and well hung, MILF / step-mom fantasies where the step-son is sexually pursued for his youth and sexual stamina, blackmail kinks where someone must offer sexual favours to avoid a certain outcome, free-use fantasies Person A gives Person B, blanket, sexual consent to be used for sexual gratification whenever Person B wants. The list goes on and on, sexual objectification is a power dynamic that is present in a lot of sexual fantasies.

Now, if it’s so common, why does it sound pejorative? Well, when I googled “common sexual objectification fantasies”, the majority of results were articles about feminism and non-consensual, societal objectification. Even after I added the word “kink” to my query, the same results ranked highest. 

Why? What is the difference between a negative version of sexual objectification and a positive one? Well, you may have heard this word a few bazillion times here in BDSM-land… you guessed it, consent. Once consent is given, it’s no longer necessarily a negative, traumatic experience, it has the potential to become a gratifying, validating escape from reality where we can play safely within the social structure without the same consequences. It is no longer non-consensual, it crosses over into fantasy and that’s a very important distinction.

This is what bothers me about my search results. I included the words ‘fantasy’ and even ‘kink’ and yet the majority of results are articles about the real world. No wonder people feel confused and shameful about their desires. We’re not talking about non-consensual objectification and dehumanization, we’re talking about the consensual, fantasy kind. The ones we all share, the ones that are simply a slice of reprieve from a tough world.

I think understanding the psychological mechanisms of these desires is really important. It helps take the shame and pearl-clutching confusion out of the acts and helps to reframe them entirely. We are all multi-faceted people who want to experience different things in life and that’s okay. Truthfully, the people who crave these dynamics the most are often the people who are most in control in the vanilla-world. It’s cathartic to shed the complexity of personhood and sink into a different, simpler form.

Cool, now that we have the basics down - let’s get darker. Rape fantasies are also a very common, sexual objectification kink. They are a more violent extension of the desire to be desired and to be viewed in a solely sexual manner. This could extend into another common fantasy theme - sex slavedom. 

Now we’re starting to veer into dehumanization. Once the fantasy involves a violation of autonomy, personhood or consent, we’re dealing with not only an objectification of the person’s body but also a diminishing of their humanity. This might start to be more difficult to understand. This is where people start feeling weird about their fantasies.

So basic crash course: In my experience with kinks, the brain is essentially trying to trick itself, like in a dream. Like watching a movie and admiring it for its “realness”. It’s an oxymoron of sorts, a movie can’t be real, it’s inherently fake so why even have the desire for it to be real? I think it’s because we love stories. We love imagining and practicing things in our minds, experimenting and playing. It’s a huge part of how we exist safely in the world, being able to imagine different situations and deciding what to do (or not do) in the real world from there.

Fantasies in kink are the way we safely experiment within our social hierarchy. We have very few outlets that are immersive and safe that don’t negatively affect our lives. We can play video games, watch movies, read books, live vicariously through social media or porn but how do we actually feel a different social status? Particularly if we crave feeling one that is below our current status?

Most of the people I see professionally are very controlling. They are highly efficient in their real lives and (inversely) are generally pretty inexperienced with being submissive or passive. Basically a lot of the people I see are bad at being submissive - at least to start. When people come to me with fantasies of being my ‘slave’ of some sort or another, I don’t take that literally, I translate that for them. This person wants to feel relief from being a person for a little bit - and hey - throw in a trusty orgasm too, just for fun.

Now the darker fantasies often happen when this person's brain is working double time to trick them. They are often shocked by these desires but I’m not - anymore. You can’t keep watching the same movie over and over and expect to have the same feeling of surprise at the twist. Your brain will outmaneuver you, that’s it’s job. If your intellect knows what you’re doing when you post a sexy selfie, it will stop appealing to you. If you crave sexual slavedom but can’t indulge fully because (insert laundry list here) your brain will keep adding caveats and new requirements. It will circumvent the formula until it finds something exciting.

This is where fantasy (potentially) manifests into reality. So if your fantasies keep changing and getting more specific and extreme, I interpret this as a person who is not ready to give up control. This is an externalization of their lack of skills or desire to be a real world submissive. So instead of working on giving up actual control in simple, effective ways, those people will likely focus on the specific details of the scene / fantasy or the person implementing it. This is totally normal and actually very safe and these people will often stay in this solo version of the fantasy - the “masturbation” version.

When people see me, they are asking to experience some version of their fantasy in real life, they are asking to tip-toe from the incubator of masturbation into a real power exchange. This is where the rubber meets the road. It’s often like getting a cat into its carrier. Patience is definitely required for this part.

This person is essentially asking me (or their dominant) to see and experience them at their most vulnerable and to accept them and value them as an equal afterwards. It’s a really intimate and vulnerable thing and it is often disguised as a fantasy and I think that’s the real reason why people feel such shame in these desires. They are essentially asking for love.

Yup, you know the blog post is almost done when I get all sappy.

Oftentimes, in my experience, those who seek objectifying or dehumanizing fantasies such as slavedom, diaper wearing, cuckoldry, feminization and all the other fun things we do in kink, are just looking for someone to see them at their weakest. They simply want a witness to their humanity, warts and all. The same way we feel anxiety in a relationship when our partner sees us for the first time without makeup or the first time we cry in front of them or draw a boundary. It’s just vulnerability disguised as a fantasy and it’s often experienced by people who view themselves as being valued for their complexity in the real world. You’re allowed to want to be someone else for a few hours now and again, that’s what I do when I become Bastienne, just be safe about it.

Hope this helps :)