Read time: 13 minutes.

As of May of 2023, my booking process / new client intake is getting WAY harder.

This post was originally titled “The Time Wasters Club” because the trusty time wasters are the ones who have informed my new, stringent-as-fuck booking process that I’m about to roll out.

So cheers to the time wasters! 🥂 See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!

Ultimately though, this is a post about expectation management and giving potential subbies the context behind my new, arduous application process. If you’re a well-intentioned, new (to all of this) person, I want to give you the lay of the land so that you understand what I’m doing and why I’m doing it.

I also want to put my social weight behind a potential, new template for the application process here in Pro-FemDom-Land. Years ago, I was one of the first providers to require deposits and it was a risk, but, ultimately became normalized and paid off. Now, I’m requiring an application fee to fill out my booking form and a two part test after that. Yup, I’ll lose business and inquiries and I’m perfectly fine with that.

Burn out is unbelievably high in this industry, in part, because of the energy draining habits I’m about to detail. I can’t change the world but I’d love to be a force of good, moving this industry slowly, but surely, towards a better model for Pro Dommes and subbies too.

So - as of May, 2023, all application requests will cost $10 - maybe more. They will only be available via an online shop here on my website. I will also have higher identification requirements and potential subbies must pass a two part test before being accepted. The first test being about me and, the second test being about them and their requests.

Truthfully, I’ve grown quite tired of pouring my heart into my work only to deal with folks who don’t know the first thing about me or what I offer. Major UPVOTE BECAUSE BUTT vibes. I can only tell people my name, my specialties, my rates and my hard limits so many times before I permanently facepalm and head for the proverbial, digital hills.

Years ago, a fellow Domme gave me some great advice - don’t use your platforms to complain, it’s a bad look and attracts the wrong people. I’ve taken that advice to heart and most of my content is directed to my future, ideal submissives. It’s an effective use of positive reinforcement but don’t get it twisted - there’s a ton of bullshit that I (and every other business owner) deals with on a regular basis. I try very hard to deprive bad behaviour of attention and energy but, hey! The time for caterwauling has come! The airing of grievances is upon us! Here’s all the ways people waste my time and why I have to be hyper protective of my attention starting yesterday.

TIRE KICKERS & Chatty Kathys

I’d say this is the most common form of time wasting that I experience, particularly, from new-to-me subbies. As you may know, every email thread has a lovely little counter beside it, as evidenced by the picture below.

This indicates how many emails we’ve exchanged in that thread. If you talk to me more that I talk to my own friends, we’re going to have a problem. You can see that the above person corresponded with me about 120 times in the span of 3 months. That person would see me for in-person sessions once a month, at most.

So yeah, that’s about 108 emails too many.

The above example is actually a person I really like. I used them as an example because this is genuinely a habit that well intentioned people can easily slip into, but, it is time wasting nonetheless. If my lack of response, short response or very long response time doesn’t get the point across, then I’ll politely remind you that paid correspondence is available on my OnlyFans for $5/message. It is interesting how once you add a monetary amount to the transaction, folks get real concise, real quick.

Another, painful, yet informative, experience I’ve had a few times has involved me getting dumped by subbies for enforcing my boundaries around excessive communication. When we talk about boundaries in BDSM, most people think of kinky acts like ‘fluid exchange’ or ‘pain play’ but I’m always over here reminding everyone that boundaries range far and wide. Things like how often you play, how you prefer to communicate outside of the scene, levels of dress/undress and other logistical preferences are also boundaries that need to be negotiated.

Truthfully, as an introvert, sometimes I feel like I’m constantly defending my alone time in both my professional and personal life. For work, I try to clearly communicate what I am able (and unable) to provide outside of sessions, for free. For example, my closest subby in 2020 was someone who had seen me for years but had fallen into an almost daily habit of emailing me. I started feeling overwhelmed so I crafted a kind, articulate voice note about my feeling of burn out from the excessive communication and I reiterated that my preferred method of communication was, and has always been, in person interaction. That usually fills me up, whereas emails and texts drain me, I experience them as logistical tools not emotional outlets.

I never heard from him again. Yup, nothing yet, almost 3 years later. This indicates to me that that person is, and only ever was, interested in a relationship if they could also get a free, emotional outlet on the side, for no extra charge. So, as painful as that was (and still kind of is) it is a great example of what I’m dealing with on my end. Establishing and maintaining boundaries isn’t just a good habit, it’s the only way I can continue to be a good Domme. Ultimately, I remind myself that a person who feels entitled to my attention, doesn’t respect my boundaries and doesn’t extend gratitude for what I do offer is simply not a person I can have in my life, in any capacity.

NO FOLLOW THROUGH

As detailed above, folks love to chat - for free. They like to ask for my availability, ask if I’m around, ask how I’m doing, ask about clips, ask what city I am in, tell me how they feel, what they think, what they’ve done, what they’d like to do - some even book session time only to reschedule multiple times or ghost upon my follow ups. I used to try to have patience for this behaviour but, as Danny Glover once said - I’m too old for this shit.

There’s also a gaggle of gentleman who just fill out the booking request forms of Dommes as a masturbatory aide. Before I created my new vetting process, I used to sort through and archive hundreds of these per year. I stopped giving those folks any further booking info or attention because it would continuously result in no response from them, followed by a fresh request the next week or month or year.

It’s behaviour like this that has prompted my new, stringent application process. One of the vetting questions I included in the beta version of this new application form was a multiple choice question that asked “Why are you filling out this form?” I thought this was a pretty straight forward question considering that the page has the words “Booking Application Form” in bold letters mere inches above this question. I was shocked that many people selected the answer below. That’s right, people were openly and with zero shame telling me that they were actively wasting my time.

Now, I’ve perused the booking forms of other Dommes, the websites of other services, perhaps filled an online shopping cart or two only to abandon mid-way. Whatever, no big deal, no harm, no foul. What I don’t fucking do is have a sense of entitlement to a stranger’s time and attention just because they made me feel a certain way. What I’m saying is, I might fill out the form but I don’t press send unless I’m serious about getting in touch - obviously.

Please, for god’s sake, glean as much as you can from my site - Dommes and subs alike! Listen to my podcasts, watch my YouTube, learn from my blog and gain whatever you can for free! Look at my free clip previews and wank away! But why - WHY? - would anyone feel comfortable enough to press send at the end of filling out that form when they know, and are explicitly saying, that they are not interested in my services?

Please note: I actually offer paid online chatting and paid consultations, in addition to tons of free education, podcasts and clips! It’s to the point now where I simply can’t offer a free application process because there will always be a group of men who flood it with their inane thoughts and ruin it for everyone.

NO SHOWS / FLAKES

Heathens! Such an egregious violation of respect that it is completely unforgivable and almost too obvious to mention. I’ve been stood up by submissives just like every other provider. It used to upset me but now - I love it. One less person to ever fuck with again. I simply add them to my luxuriously long list of blocked people and occasionally watch them beg for forgiveness in my spam folder. They always come crawling back and I never do. Done and DONE. The trash just took itself out.

MISTRESS BASTIENNE “GOOGLE” CROSS

Do I give you big algorithm vibes? Do I look like rows and rows of supercomputers stored in a basement in Silicon Valley? Do I resemble a website with a bunch of blurbs and a series of different coloured O’s at the bottom? Do I have a blank space with a little magnifying glass next to it on my forehead or something? No. That’s Google, not me. People actually confuse me for Google quite often, I guess we look related but - we’re not. The main way to tell us apart is that I’m a person and Google is a website.

With the existence of search engines and freely available maps, directions and GPS - I can confidently say - there is now such a thing as a stupid question. Before asking me something like - What is trampling? How do I get from X to Z? What does BDSM stand for? Where is Etobicoke? First, always think about whether it is something that can be easily looked up online, on my website or perhaps, even, in the previous email I sent you.

SKIMMERS

Trust me when I tell you that I am a GIANT nerd. I carefully craft my responses and instructions to include all pertinent information in a valiant effort to save myself time and extraneous communication. Shout out to “The Four Hour Work Week” by Tim Ferriss.

I try to limit my email time to just an hour in the morning, so, if I read a question from you and my eyes can literally move 2 inches up the screen and find the answer in my previous response, I’ll likely just leave you in solitude confinement (aka on read) or maybe I’ll even block you.

Maybe I’m just an idealist, but, in a perfect world, talking to you wouldn’t feel like talking to a brick wall.

There are a lot of people who skim and assume that all Dommes are the same or that all arrival or booking processes are the same. They are not and, sadly, it’s not even some great mystery as to what I’m looking for. My instructions are explicit, concise and are often in capitalized, bold letters in a neat, prioritized numbered list. I might even turn text into different colours if I’m feel frisky. 

Ultimately, it’s painfully obvious if you haven’t read my instructions and I’m spoiled by too many awesome regulars to bother with anything less than conscientious at this point. I have to get to know each and every person I work with and you have to do the same with Dommes - obviously.

We’re all different and you really show your true colours if you do things like ask for “strict, traditional style femdom” from me, the lady whose tagline is “Toronto’s Playful Dominatrix”. Or if you repeatedly call every Domme “Mistress” despite us all having different names and titles. The assumption that you can choose our outfits and that we’re all excited to slip into some, black, latex catsuit for you simply shows me the parallel that you’ve subconsciously created between patronizing Pro Dommes and collecting Pokemon. Open your damn eyes, stop generalizing and read the instructions and websites that are being sent directly to you.

INFO DUMPING

Using my booking form or email address as a dumping ground is a great reason for me to block you. I’ve had so many people send 4, 5, 6, even 7 paragraphs detailing their kinks, desires, experiences and fantasies only to have them never actually follow through on booking. People are out here desperate to talk to someone about their sexuality for free.

It’s obviously not cool to dump a novel on a stranger about what makes your dick twitch so I’ve simply taken the option away. Whether it be in my booking forms or by email. If I’m the only person you want to chat with about your thoughts, hit me up on OnlyFans, but, if you insist on talking to someone about your sexuality for free, do what the rest of us do and go make a friend, bud.

Whiskey Dick Lingerers

Part of the reason that I love BDSM and my role within it is that it offers an entirely different approach to sexuality than any of my experiences in vanilla sex. Orgasms and nudity are often auxiliary activities in BDSM, taking a backseat to the intricacies of power exchange. I explicitly state in my prep information that we can just ignore your dick, yet there are always men who try to make the focal point of the scene all about their (often non functioning, soft) dick and hypothetical orgasm. Hey, if anyone can squeeze a consensual orgasm into any activity - have at it! But, it certainly doesn’t have to be the focus - particularly in kink and BDSM and particularly if this extends outside of your session time.

The number of men who I’ve watched sadly pulling on their soft weiners in a mad dash to orgasm within the last few minutes of the scene is just comical. I’ve said it once, I’ll say it a million times - I don’t care about your dick or your orgasms, that’s a you problem. I didn’t care at the beginning of the scene, I certainly don’t care 90 minutes later when your time is quickly nearing it’s end and you start acting like a bratty kid who wants to stay up and watch TV for ‘just 5 more minutes.’

As a matter of fact, maybe you’ve paid enough attention to that part of your anatomy to last everyone a lifetime. Why not try being present, attentive and maybe learn something new? For god’s sake, leave that little guy alone for a minute, he’s been soft the whole time anyways and seems just as annoyed with you as I am.

Not to generalize - but I’m gonna - I’ve never experienced this from a female subby. What’s she going to do? Stand there slappin’ her clam vigorously and aggressively while reluctantly being corralled into the shower? I think not.

And people still wonder why I love ballbusting so much?

The World’s Longest Showers

I’ve recently amended how I plan my sessions to include a customized amount of time for pre and after care that is determined by the submissive prior to playing. This is to account for folks who like to chill, chat, shower and rehydrate before and / or after a scene. Most people prefer, some might even say need, this time to get into the headspace before playing or to come down comfortably from subspace after a scene.

As much as I want to accommodate and make sure everyone is glowing and happy and feeling great before and after their sessions, time management is a thing and a huge percentage of people tend to underestimate the time they need for aftercare. Lots of folks subconsciously don’t view pre and aftercare as part of play yet - it is.

BDSM is all about headspace and although there are rare examples of people who need little to no care outside of playing, the vast majority of people do. Most people need to feel comfortable and safe, they need a bit of connection with their Domme. They need a good conversational rapport, an established, open line of communication, the feeling of being heard and respected, you know, all that good, human-y stuff. If you’re nervous beforehand or groggy and feel weird after play and want to hang out with me to calm down - THAT’S PRE AND AFTERCARE!

It’s all very normal and I love offering it, but, it’s part of play. I actually try to offer as much of this information for free, here on my blog, or for a nominal fee on my podcast. This is where you can get to know me and create a sense of trust for who I am, what I offer and what I like, prior to play. It’s quite effective. If that doesn’t work for you and you’d prefer to talk in person then that’s your choice, but, my undivided time and attention is not free.

I, of course, shepherd and shoo-shoo people around as much as humanly possible but I can only do so much to politely get people out on time. Some folks decide to turn their last 10 minutes into a half hour shower, some like to feign a level of sub-high that “forces” them to sit, regain composure and drink water for an extra 10 minutes while I awkwardly loom over them. Others enjoy prolonging the conversation over and over while I hold the door open, waiting for them to get the very, not-so-subtle hint.

For this and other reasons, I’ve become more and more protective of my time and energy. There are a handful of folks who I trust implicitly and will happily hang out with outside of the session but, if we’ve never met, you’re not one of them. Those folks have spent the time to establish trust and a rapport with me, they are always aware of the time and ask if I’m okay to chat for a few minutes, they ask if it’s okay to text or email me, they offer to pay for my time and thank me when I spend extra energy on them for free instead of feeling entitled to it.

HONOURABLE MENTION: URGENT KINK!

“Hello??? Mistress??? Did you get my email?” I don’t know, dude. Are you stuck at the bottom of a well and I’m the only person you can email about it? What’s up with the panic? Also, I read ALL of my emails. If you don’t hear from me it’s either intentional or because I haven’t gotten to you yet. Prompting me with multiple messages is incredibly annoying and inefficient. This isn’t so much wasting my time as it is wasting yours. Go grab some CBD or chamomile tea or something. Calm the hell down, take a damn hint and while you’re at it - find a different Domme.

This sentiment can be extended to the large community of people who, apparently, live in utter chaos. If you urgently need your bumhole fingered and couldn’t possibly submit to a vetting process, wait for responses or book ahead of time, then do all of us a favour and never contact me. I prefer to book a freaking MONTH ahead of time. I might as well be a damn administrative sloth as far as you’re concerned. I’m a grown up, with a schedule that I love dearly. I wake up every morning and I kiss my scheduling app on the forehead and I whisper I love you so much - *sloppy kissy noises*. So please, take your chaotic, hyperventilating, manic energy and go play, in a big rush, with someone else.

So that’s it! Enough context to last a lifetime! I appreciate you reading this and I hope this provides the background information that you need in order to understand why I’m getting so picky with who I take on as new clients these days.