Kink-trospection
Read time: 6 minutes.
Oh, 2020, You Salty Slut.
As we approach The Butthole of The Solar Cycle - December 23rd - the longest and darkest day of the year, we also find ourselves in another lockdown here in Toronto. This year has been a big cock-blockin’ bummer for most of us but it has also presented some great opportunity for growth and introspection to those who are interested. For most sex workers, social isolation and financial uncertainty are familiar elements of daily life so when the pandemic hit in March, I felt like I was eerily prepared.
Things like learning to work from home, connecting with / making friends online, maintaining discipline without external structure, dealing with anxiety, uncertainty and taking full responsibility for my health have been a part of my daily life since I began working for myself, full-time in 2015. I feel like I’ve had a huge, serendipitous advantage during Das Dümpsterfïre (commonly known as the year 2020) and now I’d like to share my secrets with you. This post serves as both my final-farewell-fuck-you to this horrible year and a lovely Christmas present to anyone who takes the time to peep my journal - Enjoy!
#1: Be a Good Bud To Yourself
Hey - would you just stop being a raging quiff to yourself already?! GOOD LORD! You’ll be spending lots of time alone so you best learn how to be a good time - and quick. Life is too short to be a gloomy-ass, party pooper - get it together. Start a simple mindfulness practice by just listening to your inner monologue and taking note. Many of us are truly horrible to ourselves internally, berating ourselves in the most inhumane ways - Seriously, Cut That Shit Out! Ask yourself honestly if you would talk to a loved one the way you talk to yourself. If the answer is no, it’s time to stop or to (at least) add in a positive, counter voice.
When isolated, our inner monologue becomes amplified, skewing our perception of reality. You’ve got to get it under control if you want to have a good time. Likely, the negative things you’re telling yourself aren’t even facts, they’re opinions, therefore they are technically up for debate. Become the devil's advocate in your own head, ask whether that negative voice is being objective or subjective; it’s likely the latter. Tell yourself you’re doing your best, you’re doing a good job, you’re a good person.
Force yourself to celebrate milestones and congratulate yourself for doing all of this - it’s very hard! There’s a reason most people find a comfort zone and stick to it as long as possible. All this change, internal work and discipline is very difficult! But, if you choose to do it, you get full, fucking credit for every step. You also reap the kinky rewards by being able to navigate your own desires with ever increasing dexterity and confidence. The exact same patterns you develop here will ultimately serve as the foundation for healthy sexual exploration later on.
#2: Become Your Own Kinkdergarten Teacher
Make a schedule fit for a simpleton. Put gold stars on it if you must. Yes, do it. DO IT NOW. As cheesy and simple as it sounds it does wonders for your brain. We need structure, no matter how minimal and seemingly arbitrary it is. Whether it’s external like the bus schedule, a shift start time or applied manually by ourselves - we need structure!
Did you brush your teeth? GOLD STAR! ⭐ Did you get the laundry done? GOLD STAR! ⭐ Did you wash your snooshy? GOLD STAR! ⭐
Set an alarm in the morning, have a reasonable work out schedule, prepare things for yourself the day before, have a cut off time at the end of the day - All these things are simple, easy ways to help your brain chill the fuck out. Once you get a routine established you can add in any kink goals you’re working on, shopping for chastity cages or practicing rope ties in between chores keeps life spicy.
Always do your most hated chores first thing when you wake up and give yourself proper, full days off, snack breaks and naps! Use orgasms and edging as a reward!
#3: Put the D in BDSM
Pre-care is the new after-care! Exploring your sexuality privately and developing discipline are necessary primers for BDSM play. Yes, I know we can’t play now but you can certainly get yourself in great shape mentally for when we can. Polish those skills like the dirty little gem that you are so you can present your best self when the day comes!
There’s a lot of talk about aftercare but lets talk about pre-care! It starts with discipline and commitment and that’s a choice only you can make. No one can whip you into submission - believe me. Start practicing self control now, start slow, forgive yourself and keeping trying. Focus on the Domme of your dreams and do it in service to her if that helps.
The truth is that many bottoms are only submissive when they’re all horned up. Want to take your servitude to the next level? Want to really impress your Domme? Start flexing those discipline muscles now and I swear it will pay off later. I’ve done sessions with people who had abstained from orgasming for months in my honour and I was floored. Disciplined submissives are a real world commodity among Dommes so develop it and offer something special to your Domme and, most importantly, to yourself!
#4: Welcome to The Ocean of Emotion!
If you thought that you had your emotions under control before the pandemic then welcome to Adulthood: Level 2 on Hard Mode! (booooo / yaaaay!) It’s shocking to me how emotional life is once external structure is taken away. No praise, no punishment, no start, no end, just you and your actions, unseen and unaccounted for by anyone but you. It’s really hard and it’s okay to not know how to emotionally manage yourself in this new situation; you’re definitely not alone.
Expect issues with identity, shame, anxiety and depression and welcome them with a confident smile. You’re the hostest with the mostest for these un-fun feelings, steadfast, persistent and awkwardly doling out slices of a dick-shaped Jell-O mold, for some reason - and that’s okay.
Seriously, perseverance is your best weapon here. Let yourself fail with kindness and acceptance. Keep going, that’s it, just keep trying. You will lose many battles but you will ultimately win the war. Bathe your brain in lots of yummy empathy and get back on the horse 🐎 over 🐎 and over 🐎 and over 🐎 and over 🐎 and over 🐎 (neeeighhhh).
It definitely gets easier with time, as long as you stay kind and persistent with yourself. Remember these are very useful skills you get to keep for the rest of your life and these are the exact same skills that you’ll use to navigate your desires and boundaries within BDSM.
#5: Explore Your Shame
The only people who don’t experience shame are sociopaths. Doesn’t that feel nice to know? If you experience shame, you’re a… HUMAN! - Yay Human Club! 🎉 I work heavily with shame and I absolutely love it, not because I love misery but because I love empathy and vulnerability. Shame is an unavoidable part of human life and if you can deal with your shame, I feel like you can deal with anything.
Sexual desire often serves as a shortcut to accessing what makes us shameful - not always, but often - and it’s definitely a good place to start. Think about it like you would think about doing your taxes; it’s not fun but you’ll feel better once you just get it over with.
Being socially isolated is a great time to delve deeper into those dark feelings in privacy. Take a day (or a week) and just go there, feel it, ask yourself questions, be your own best bud, just let it out! Shame is one of the hardest feelings to master so give yourself proper credit for each millimeter of progress you make in this realm. Accept the fact that shame can’t (and shouldn’t) be annihilated, it can only be managed. Just feel it and practice being kind to yourself along the way, you’ll be better off for it, ultimately.
Also, keep in mind that shame is a part of most people’s sexuality, even vanilla folks. If we consciously process shame through our sexuality, we get to exercise ‘temptation bundling’ by pairing shame processing with (everyone’s favourite reward) …orgasms! 🥳 If you pair your kinks with an introspective process, you can actually make mental health gains while diddling yourself! Speaking of…
#6: Practice Makes Pervert
Now for the fun, bestest, kinky part! A lot of my job involves fantasizing and exploring my sexuality by myself - Yes - I’m a professional masturbator and couldn’t be happier about it! Before each session, I review the scene request, grab my magic wand and let my mind wander wherever it wants. I’m pretty sure this is why I excel at understanding other people’s kinks so easily. I always provide myself a judgement-free place to psychologically (and vaginally) explore 💦
You can do this too! Experiment with cutting out porn for a while to amp up your own, sexual imagination. Treat it like a job, set time and energy aside for exploration. Set goals and try out orgasm control to heighten play and learn more about your kinks, body and boundaries.
Things like pain tolerance and anal training are often best done alone. Like homework and studying in school, you can’t just show up on test day expecting to get an A+, you’ve got to put in some work on your own time. Some of the most extreme masochists and bottoms I’ve met have done most of their pain training by themselves! This is great news for perverts in lockdown! Be safe, go slow and have fun - I’ll see you on the other side ;)
Hope this was helpful! Here’s a couple of resources for further solo exploring: