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What Are You Even Paying For?

Believe me, I have struggled to answer this question myself. It took me years to raise my rate to meet the industry standard because I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. Coming from a background working in kitchens and construction, I spent most of my adulthood working full time, happy to make $300 in a day, let alone in an hour! 

Giving myself a $280/hour raise was a whole, multi-year process for me so I’m going to explain exactly how I got here. Ultimately, If I’m questioning the high price tag on professional BDSM services as the provider, than I think it’s totally understandable why you would want an explanation as the consumer. So here’s how I went from charging as low as $60/hour 😬 when I first started in professional kink to currently charging between $300-350/hour.

#1: SUPPLY & DEMAND

How can I find a kinky girlfriend like you? Asks every client ever. I don’t resent the question, I get it. It’s the equivalent of thinking, “I could make this myself but I’m too busy this week” as you toss a store-made salad into your grocery cart. It’s not that the salad is insanely special and only the people at the grocery store can make it, it’s just that quite a few elements need to align in order for you to make it yourself.

You need the time, energy and willpower to make that salad, all of which are in short supply for most people and are, therefore, a commodity. Really, you’re paying for the 20 minutes of willpower and concentration required to gather and prep the ingredients - not just the salad itself.

The same can be said for sex work. Have you ever heard that joke “I don’t pay an escort to fuck me, I pay her to leave afterwards”? It’s kind of rude but it’s also kind of true. There are an insane amount of elements that need to align in order for you to enjoy the exact sexual experience you want organically, many would often involve finding and maintaining a long term committed relationship with someone.

That’s a pretty hefty investment of time and energy for the possibility that you might get your kinky wishes granted. This is even more difficult for submissive men looking for dominant women. Listen, I’ve heard all the stories about sweet subbie guys on FetLife endlessly looking for a lifestyle Domme or just looking for a kinky partner they can explore with. It honestly sucks.

The truth is that there are way more submissive guys than there are dominant women out there in the wild and I feel for every guy who can’t find their kinky kindred spirit, I honestly do. I can’t explain it, my best guess is that women are just more socialized to be sexually submissive and it creates this disparity. At the end of the day, that leaves plenty of demand for a person like me and -VOILA!- I have a job.

The odds are simply in my favour and they are in the favour of any sex worker who caters to men. Yes, women hire providers as well but it’s notably less often. It seems there is simply just more male, sexual desire in the world than there is attention to satisfy it. I’m not saying it’s fair, I’m just saying it’s true. Ultimately, I’ve learned that this is the true commodity that’s being traded in BDSM sessions: Sexual attention.

It’s taken me a few years to circle around to this understanding. I was a wee bit high off my own fumes there for a few years and felt like a damn sexual rock star, gracing the land with my oh-so coolness. Excuse me while I air guitar / air dildo by myself over here for a minute. Luckily, I checked myself before I wrecked myself and started this blog to articulate some of the things I’ve learned.

The reason I think it’s important to talk about this is because being ambiguous often leaves room for doubt. Both the provider and client can develop unrealistic expectations. Sure marketing as a fantasy maven is fun and exciting but it’s also great to know about the actual mechanics of the interaction and, most importantly, what you’re actually paying for.

I’m going to be honest, I know people have seen me for a BDSM session and left thinking “that’s it?” As a Domme, I’m not supposed to admit that, I guess I’m supposed to boast a flawless record of 100% home runs, no faults here, just pure FemDom perfection.

Obviously that’s just not true for anyone and I think the pervasive marketing of Dommes currently can leave the provider and client feeling underwhelmed when the realities of sessions don’t match up with the hyped up, eroticized version of what a session should be. Dommes, in particular, have this bad habit of amping up their magical abilities (I’m certainly guilty of this too!).

You’ve heard it before: “When you are with me, you will feel instantly submissive to me. I am your Mistress now and when your eyes meet mine, you will immediately succumb to your place at my feet, kneeling before me, begging for the chance to serve. Experienced and sadistic, I will bring you to new depths of submission you never dreamt possible!” 

Ooooh boy, that’s kind of a tall order to be honest, especially if you’re not a wizard which, sadly, most of us aren’t. What you’re mainly paying for is our undivided attention and our will to fulfill a fantasy for you. It’s nothing that a kinky, ambitious, unexperienced girlfriend couldn’t figure out, but those are in short supply.

Takeaway #1: You’re actually buying attention.

#2: AN “HOUR”

When you see a provider you’re buying an hour of time, right? Yeah… No. Think of that dungeon - you know, the one you always see pictures of, the one you’ve wanted to play in since forever. All your favourite Dommes have pictures there, in the medical room, in front of the Saint Andrew’s cross, selfies in that mirror, you know what I’m talking about.

Cool, now picture that same dungeon - but empty. Lights off, door locked, no one’s home. Why? Because it probably is empty right now. When I first started, I always imagined a big dungeon where each room had a theme and there was a Domme waiting in each for her daily stream of kinky sessions that happened there. If there was a lull between visitors, the kinky ladies would braid each others floggers or swap human blood based recipes or something? Yeah - Nope.

Each provider rents their dungeon and they probably book anywhere from 1 - 5 hours a week depending on how busy they are at that particular time of year. It’s not easily a full time gig and this means sometimes you only have one session in a week. One. Uno. Une. ONE. Yes, after your dungeon rental, you’re walking away with 200, whole dollars for the week.

Meanwhile, you are handling inquiries every day, all day, questions, requests, scheduling and booking protocol are all up to you. Plus, there’s an endless stream of people trying to talk to you for free so most of your time is trying to parse out who’s who because if you don’t do that, you don’t get bookings.

Let’s see, you have to… Create and maintain a website with updated, professional photos and a frequently updated blog. You have to spend time and money on advertising and backlinks to your website. You have to promote yourself by doing interviews and hosting BDSM events or classes. You have to learn and grow as a member of the BDSM community. You have to read about your job and create a brand. You need a bunch of work outfits and at least a case full of toys and implements - none of which are cheap.

You have to run several social media accounts for yourself and engage with them every day as your Domme persona. You need to mentally prep and carefully curate sessions for people, sometimes having to read between the lines when people are unclear about what they want. You have to memorize their requests and hard limits and for some this may include a script.

You have to spend time developing side gigs like running a clip store or offering paid sexting. You have to work in other people’s shame every session and you have to learn how to navigate your own. You have to get yourself to and from the dungeon and sometimes you get stood up, walking away with nothing at all.

You don’t get paid for any of this, you only get paid for the time spent in a session, you only get paid for that “one hour”.

I’m not trying to garner pity, by any means, I’m just trying to illuminate what happens behind the scenes and why the price point needs to support the amount of background work that’s going on here. There have been times in this industry that are absolutely amazing and I cannot believe how lucky I am. Other times, I really struggle to remain confident and not fall into anxiety because bookings are just so unpredictable and so damn irregular.

That $300/hour makes all of it doable. It affords enough to create a little emergency fund for yourself and enough to justify the amount of work that goes into it all. There’s just a lot going on behind the scenes, including that big, sexy, empty dungeon. It may be considered unsexy to talk about but ultimately I think it’s important to know so you don’t feel like you’re being taken advantage of as a consumer.

Takeaway #2: Overhead, baby.

#3: SAFETY

So now we know the supply / demand structure lies in favour of the Domme and we know about the administrative overhead, but where does the $300/hour rate come from specifically? Why that particular price? One of the first things a sex worker will site as the reasoning behind higher rates is safety. I did not understand this before and now, with a few years of experience, I totally agree.

It’s certainly not fool proof but having a higher rate eliminates a lot of sketchy people right out of the gate and $300 seems to be the magic number. I’m not even entirely sure how that works but I can tell you for a fact - it does. I guess it attracts clients who have a higher level of respect for your time and the inherent risk that you’re taking by meeting them - hopefully.

The $300/hour rate also serves as a sort of built-in hazard pay for the risk the provider takes on with each session. As a Domme, we always want to project a confident vibe but let’s be real, there’s risk here and that’s not worth nothing. There’s something about lower rates that just attracts creeps and I still can’t explain it. It’s really unfortunate because they really ruin it for everyone.

I wish I could provide a middle of the road option for lower income people. I’ve tried everything under the sun and it just, perpetually attracts the worst kind of clients.

Takeaway #3: Hazard pay included.

#4: QUALITY

“I was really surprised how great your service was considering how low your rates are.” - Yikes! And you want to know the worst part? I heard this more than once when I first started. It slowly went from feeling like a compliment to feeling like a mistake. When I was in self-training, at the beginning of my career, I charged $100/hour and sometimes offered specials for as little as $60/hour 😬 I was honest about my lack of experience and wanted a price that reflected that.

Again, I had just worked construction for 4 years, so tripling and quadrupling my hourly rate felt like more than enough to me. What I didn’t understand was that clients were assuming the worst about me. Here I was, just trying to be fair when really I was just projecting an image of unprofessionalism and risk.

I was properly hazed by the time wasters, penny pinchers and sketchbags of Toronto until I finally wised up. I had a few clients suggest that I raise my rate and I eventually did after getting a few comments like the one above. Humility is great in some situations but this wasn’t one of them.

I’ve tried so many times over the years to offer reduced rates for people with lower incomes and it has always bitten me in the ass. I’ve tried offering group discounts where a group of Dommes are just chilling and a sub pays to rub our feet or something low effort like that. The idea being, it’s low energy for us and the “work” is dispersed among many of us, all the while it’s super hot and affordable for the subby.

I’ve tried offering occasional session sales or two-for-one deals on my own solo sessions. I’ve tried offering a time slot structure where there’s a group of Dommes and a submissive gets X amount of time to play in exchange for a more chill, casual session on our end. Well beggars are apparently the choosiest choosers it turns out. These attempts would routinely attract some of the most high maintenance, low quality clients, it was truly mind blowing and totally disheartening.

Now I just maintain my $300/hour rate and ignore hagglers entirely. I’ll check out the freelancing subreddit now and again when I’m in need of a little commiseration. It’s definitely not just the sex industry that experiences this phenomenon, this is an issue for most it seems. People associate cheap with bad, it’s just the way it is. I’m not wealthy myself and I don’t come from a rich background so it’s disappointing to have to create a financial barrier but at the end of the day, it’s the only thing that works.

Takeaway #4: Higher rates attract better clients.

#5: RACE TO THE BOTTOM

Once the industry standard is set, it can quickly become a race to the bottom if the majority of competitors decide to start under-cutting each other. Industries have been completely destroyed by these practices, like the shipping industry for example. Luckily, the sex worker community is pretty cohesive and business savvy so the top Dommes understand that undercutting your competition is actually just cannibalizing your own business.

By simultaneously agreeing to and adhering to an industry standard, we compete to provide a better service, not a lower rate. This protects the quality of service and actually means safer, higher quality play for clients.

Takeaway #5: Rate homogeny helps create quality service.

#6 EXPERIENCE & SKILL

A Domme’s experience and expertise are often marketed as the most valuable parts of her service. I think this is certainly true but not in the way that you might initially imagine. I think there’s an issue with focusing heavily on technical skill as a way to justify the large price tag of pro domination. In my experience, hard skills (generally) comprise very little of what is most useful in a real session.

I’ll use the analogy of a personal trainer. A personal trainer could easily run you through a routine and teach you proper form in one or two sessions. They could email you a workout schedule and send you on your way. Realistically, you could even skip that session altogether and find the information you need, online, for free. But that’s not why most of us want to hire a personal trainer.

The real treat, and the reason it’s considered to be a bit of a luxury service, is that you are paying this person for a plethora of intangible feelings. You’re paying them for connection and a journey. You’re going to create a relationship with this person, receiving motivation, confidence and accountability from them.

You’re instilling your trust in them and working as a team with this person towards each of your goals. Theirs is to have a job they love (hopefully) and yours, to achieve your personal fitness goals. It’s vulnerable, very human and technical skill is merely used as a tool to facilitate the process - in my opinion.

I view the bread and butter of professional domination in the same way. Yes, an experienced Dominant knows how to hold a flogger properly, how to restrain someone safely and how to evenly crush a pair of testicles but that may not be what is most valuable in an actual session. Her biggest utility is that she has the information you need.

She has lots of data to draw from and the ability to identify and navigate through it quickly. She has years and years of information collected, experiencing, witnessing and participating in all the various ways a BDSM scene can manifest. She can parse out similar patterns which enables her to quickly connect the kinky dots. I believe that the real value to you is when she converts that data into a feeling that you experience, reading your reactions and applying the appropriate behaviour in response.

This is often something as simple as stroking your hair, dimming the lights or making you focus on holding eye contact with her. None of those acts require great skill in and of themselves by any means, it’s the sequence that matters. I believe that’s the main ability you’re paying for, not a technical proficiency in one focus or another.

As Dommes & subs alike, our expectations become blurry when we start flashing the “expert” card around. I will throw in a (perhaps very obvious) caveat here: There are absolutely some skills in BDSM that require training and knowledge in order to perform safely, invasive medical play and rope bondage are two good examples.

Besides exceptions like those, the majority of the skill you're seeking is intangible, it’s essentially an elicitation of feelings which may or may not be related to a technical skill. This explains the “pop-up Dommes” who experience success despite their lack of experience. They are eliciting a feeling from you and therefore, much to the chagrin of everyone in this industry, they are accomplishing the goal.

I think it’s important to set realistic expectations so everyone understands what they are expected to provide and what they are paying for. Basically, we’re selling feelings, it’s all very subjective and that’s okay.

Takeaway #6: Most of the BDSM skills you’re paying for are soft skills, not hard.

THE GIST

You’re mostly paying for concentrated attention and soft skills when you pay for a professional Dominant. The rates are so high because of the amount of work happening outside of the session and because of the inherent risk the provider takes with each scene. Higher rates attract better clients and promote better service from providers, facilitating safer scenes for Dommes and subs, alike.